Portals

Your alarm goes off, blaring as you reach towards the nightstand to smack the snooze button. After a few more moments of peace, you open your eyes [[and stare at the empty space next to you]].

There is an indentation in the mattress created by a body that once lay there night after night. It is a reminder of the silence that still hangs over [[the room]].

You turn over in bed, pulling the cream colored comforter off of your body and stretching your arms above your head. The morning light peaks through the cracks in the blinds, inviting you to [[open them]].

You ease your legs off the bed, sliding your slippers on. You brace your arm against the bedframe for balance as you stand up to twist open the blinds. Across the street, kids are waiting at the bus stop and your neighbor is pulling the trashcan out to the road. Leaving the unmade bed behind, you step into [[the bathroom]], and turn on the light.

As you wash your hands and look at your own face in the mirror. The circles under your eyes are growing larger. The soap smells of vanilla and cinnamon and you notice the warmth of the hot water running across [[your skin]].

You walk through the long hallway with a thin red carpet covering the wooden floor, making your way into [[the kitchen]]. The house feels quiet.

Each Friday afternoon after school you played with the other kids on your street. You spent hours traversing through the woods, running from invisible monsters or your friends during intense games of tag until the [[sun set]] and it was time for dinner. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0864,#087f5b,0.2668,#2b8a3e,0.5133,#5c940d,0.798,#40c057,0.9708,#c0eb75)))

(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0864,#364fc7,0.2668,#1864ab,0.3659,#0b7285,0.7421,#15aabf,0.8666,#99e9f2))) In the summer of 1996, Tom asked you to spend the day in a small beach town, and it quickly became [[a weekly event]].

You remember [[college]] like it was yesterday. It was your first time moving after a childhood spent primarily within the boundaries of the town you had always lived in. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.028,#5f3dc4,0.2846,#862e9c,0.526,#d0bfff,0.9403,#4c6ef5)))

You dry your hands on the yellow-ish towel and stand still for a moment in front of the mirror before turning off the light and moving into [[the hallway]].

The kitchen is a faint yellow color. Morning sunlight has already illuminated the walls, but you turn on some of your lamps anyway, futher brightening the space. You reach out to open the fridge, met with the many [[photographs]] that cover the surface of the fridge.

Your hand is still resting on the handle, mesmerized by the photographs hung up with magnets from various places you and Tom visited together. There are photographs of [[the forest]] you used to play in as a child, along with a pictue [[of the beach]], and [[film photographs]] you took of your best friends from college. Your eyes move between the pictures, debating on [[turning away from the fridge]].

Each night after dinner you'd fall asleep within minutes after your head hit the pillow. You dreamed of beautiful things, all the ways your life could play out. It used to be so [[simple]], before you knew what grief felt like and memories of the funeral plagued you at 4:00 AM. Before you knew the emptiness that went hand in hand with loss. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.1067,#862e9c,0.3202,#f08c00,0.8971,#d6336c,1,(hsl:288,0.5628,0.5157,0.6))))

The two of you were able to load up the car without much of a hastle. You brought a small purse with nothing more than [[your favorite lipgloss]], a pack of tissues, and your wallet. Richard brought his briefcase, throwing it into the back seat of the convertible after opening your door and helping you into [[your spot on the passenger side]].(enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.1067,#c92a2a,0.3202,#c2255c,0.8208,#f03e3e,0.9632,(hsl:339,0.6939,0.3843,0.6))))

You picked out that lipgloss one day at the mall with your best friend. It was expensive, but you were young, and wanted something special to wear on your first date with Tom. It feels like yesterday... you remember each part of the carefully planned outfit you wore, the hairstyle your mom helped you with, and the expensive lipgloss you applied moments before you left your bedroom. You can't bring yourself to wear it [[anymore]]. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.1067,#c92a2a,0.1906,#c2255c,0.6175,(hsl:0,0.9438,0.651,0.6),0.9504,#ffc9c9)))

You flew down the coast with the top down, the wind blowing in your hair as you and Tom sang along to old songs on the radio. You looked out at the houses along the side of the road, and caught a glimpse of a family with a small baby, unloading groceries together. Tom had one hand on the wheel. The other rested on the console, his fingers [[interlaced]] with yours. You smiled at the possibilites the future held for you.(enchant:?page,(bg:blue))

You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]]

(text-style:"tall")[Portals by Hannah Holstrom] [[Begin]] [[Information]] (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.1067,#a61e4d,0.1906,#9c36b5,0.6175,(hsl:0,0.9438,0.651,0.6),0.9504,#3b5bdb)))

When you made it to the lookout, Tom backed into the parking spot. He turned off the engine and you both gathered your things. You got out of the car and took a long walk down at the shore, talking about upcoming work projects and ideas for movie nights. You still remember the way the sun reflected off the water, and how it looked shining on [[on his face]]. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.061,#e67700,0.2567,#ffe066,0.5642,(hsl:339,0.8788,0.7412,0.6),0.9504,#99e9f2)))

You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]].

You were finally out on your own, and it wasn't what you expected. You didn't instantly meet your best friends, it took time and a few bad experiences to bring you to the people you knew would be there [[when you needed them the most]]. And the [[love of your life]] certainly wasn't the guy you met on the first day when you moved into neighboring dorm rooms. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.061,#c92a2a,0.2567,#b197fc,0.5642,(hsl:288,0.8255,0.7078,0.6),0.9504,#b2f2bb)))

All of your closest friends came to the funeral. They were there in the weeks leading up to the ceremony, making you dinner when you were too tired to get off the couch and watching movies with you when [[you couldn't sleep]]. They held your hand when Tom's casket was lowered into the ground. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.061,#364fc7,0.2567,#4263eb,0.5642,(hsl:228,0.9577,0.7216,0.6),0.9504,#1098ad)))

You met Tom through a mutual friend after college, when you were 25 and working as a barista to [[save money]] for grad school. Tom was the kind of person everyone admired. He was kind and thoughtful, and had a passion for [[teaching]]. He was dedicated to making people's lives better in any way he could. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0076,#e67700,0.1525,#f59f00,0.521,(hsl:288,0.8255,0.7078,0.6),0.8742,#ff922b)))

You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]].

It took a lot of saving, but you and Tom were able to buy a house together. It was near the park, and had beautiful red shutters. You filled the house with old furniture found at thrift shops or gifted from your families. Each night you spent hours out on the porch swing, quietly watching cars go by, or reading books. When it got dark, you'd go inside and watch an episode of whatever show you were currently enjoying. Tom would sit next to you drinking hot chocolate out of his favorite blue mug until your tired eyes started to flutter closed. [[Each night you went to bed happy]]. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0051,#c92a2a,0.1525,#ff6b6b,0.5006,#f783ac,0.6557,(hsl:0,0.9438,0.651,0.6),1,#f03e3e)))

You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]].

Tom loved helping the kids in his class, and always knew he wanted some of his own. He was a great dad to Kate, and watching her growing up [[without Tom]] felt wrong when the first three years of her life were spent primarily with him. Kate will continue to grow up in his absence, and will one day forget the sound of his laugh. (enchant:?page,(bg:(gradient: 0, 0.0051,#5f3dc4,0.1525,#ff6b6b,0.432,#f783ac,0.6557,(hsl:0,0.9438,0.651,0.6),1,#7048e8)))

You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]].

This is a work of fiction about memory and loss, and how they are connected. I encourage you to play through multiple times to experience the work in full.

(restart:)

Avoiding thinking about him won't bring him back. You cannot undo what has already been done. [[You cannot save him]].